my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
