the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
