she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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