The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
