I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
