My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
try to milk me bitch
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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