Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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