You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
