There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.