i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
