I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
