Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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