I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
