i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
