just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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