Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
