Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
