Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
