if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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