Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
