i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
