i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
