Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
