I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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