i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
