i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Your topless pictures make me question reality
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
