im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
