There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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