I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
