my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I love you. Go after that dick
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
