ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
