Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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