he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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