Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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