So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
