ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
