I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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