I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
try to milk me bitch
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