Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
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i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
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I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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