Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
