youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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