i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
