I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
