Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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