I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
