I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
