he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
