We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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