Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
