My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
