i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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