Got a toothbrush?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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