just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
