All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
