i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
