if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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