Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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