Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
