the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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