im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
