Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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