so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
